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grr, argh.
Mar. 27th, 2024 09:11 amThis week is broken, I'd like a refund, please.
It's only Wednesday, but I'm so exhausted!
I have been having trouble sleeping on and off since my teens, and right now, insomnia is looming large again. And I hate it, because it throws everything out of whack for me. OK, if it ever was in whack, whatever whack may mean ...
Let's see what's happening: I applied for a job I didn't get. Shame, I didn't even make it to the interview stage, but who knows whether that might not be a blessing in disguise. My current bosses are leaving the theatre at the end of the coming season, I applied to become the new artistic director. And now, the question is who'll be picked for the job - and what that'll mean for me. My job is safe, no worries there. But do I want to stay? To be honest, I don't know. I guess it's going to depend on who takes over, and what I can negotiate with them. Reduce my hours, let me direct one play per season, that sort of thing. Or maybe it's time to quit the theatre and move on? Honestly, I don't know.
But this isn't why I'm not sleeping, at least I don't think it is. The play we're currently rehearsing is not good, because the director is a spoiled little brat, but that's not my problem, either.
My knee is never great, but it's tolerable.
The main thing is that I feel burned out. Not necessarily by my job, but by life. I'm not overly depressed (I live with chronic depression, and this is low-level depressed me), I've been able to see friends and family, I started to learn how to play the bass (but had to take a break due to an inflammation in a tendon in my thumb, on which I had surgery last summer). and I'm coming to terms with my feelings of guilt over my mother in law's death.
So what the fuck is going on?
I think it's all a big tangle of many things, and it starts with food. My diabetes is fairly well controlled, but I have made the mistake of letting myself slip. A piece of cake here, a chocolate egg there ... and it's been affecting my stomach, because it invariably does. Sugary food and coffee are a combination which always, always sets off my gastritis if I am not careful. So this kicked off again. And then, I eat less, and when my stomach improves, I get hungry at random times, because I have messed up my schedule even more. And sometimes, when my gf is on call, our nights are interrupted by calls she has to answer. This happened last week, and since I had regular work to get to, meaning rehearsals during the day and shows at night, I got tired because my nights weren't restful enough. Silly me, I compensated by eating more carbs, sugar and caffeine, which is what I do when tired, even though I know what it can do to me.
And I guess it all combined into a messy, virtually sleepless night two nights ago, and although I made an effort to eat the right things yesterday, my body is still in exhaustion mode and stress mode and wouldn't really allow me to sleep last night, either. So today, I'm doing what I can to have balanced meals, keep the blood sugar levels low, which is hard when sleep deprived, as it stresses the body, and messes with my levels. I'll make sure to take enough herbal tea along to avoid drinking coffee, and I'll make sure to go for a nice walk either on my way to work or after work. I'm cooking tonight, so I'll make a nice side salad and extra veg, and I'll take a hot water bottle to bed because I cannot relax when I'm cold.
Right now, I'm cuddling one of our cats, and am warming my feet on a hot water bottle, because my feet get so cold when I'm tired like this. I'll do some chores today, but I'll try not to put pressure on myself. It'll be OK.
My physical therapist decided that we shouldn't really do a workout today, because that won't help when I'm this tired, so my knee got a massage instead.
And I don't have to deal with the crappy director and the crappy play today, and can concentrate on the much cooler play my boss is working on right now. I have the evening off, which is good, as I can make sure to get a good meal at dinnertime, so I won't be hungry in the middle of the night.
And hopefully, I'll get back on track now.
Then, it's time to finally focus on finishing my training: I have this big final essay to write, but cannot quite make myself sit down and work on it. It's procrastination and avoidance on the highest level, and I'll have to get past this point soon, or else I'll never finish.
Maybe once that's done, I can start looking ahead, and get past this empty, burned out feeling that's weighing me down.
And there are new things on the horizon, I'm sure.
Next month, I'm meeting a new orthopaedic doctor, for example. She's sort of famous (she has written several books on nutrition and joint disease), and I hope she'll have some new ideas. I'm looking forward to that appointment, but I'm also a bit scared. On the other hand, I have nothing left to lose. My knee is crap, getting another doctor to look at it won't make it any worse than it is. However, if there's the slightest bit of hope that things could improve, I'll cling to that.
It's only Wednesday, but I'm so exhausted!
I have been having trouble sleeping on and off since my teens, and right now, insomnia is looming large again. And I hate it, because it throws everything out of whack for me. OK, if it ever was in whack, whatever whack may mean ...
Let's see what's happening: I applied for a job I didn't get. Shame, I didn't even make it to the interview stage, but who knows whether that might not be a blessing in disguise. My current bosses are leaving the theatre at the end of the coming season, I applied to become the new artistic director. And now, the question is who'll be picked for the job - and what that'll mean for me. My job is safe, no worries there. But do I want to stay? To be honest, I don't know. I guess it's going to depend on who takes over, and what I can negotiate with them. Reduce my hours, let me direct one play per season, that sort of thing. Or maybe it's time to quit the theatre and move on? Honestly, I don't know.
But this isn't why I'm not sleeping, at least I don't think it is. The play we're currently rehearsing is not good, because the director is a spoiled little brat, but that's not my problem, either.
My knee is never great, but it's tolerable.
The main thing is that I feel burned out. Not necessarily by my job, but by life. I'm not overly depressed (I live with chronic depression, and this is low-level depressed me), I've been able to see friends and family, I started to learn how to play the bass (but had to take a break due to an inflammation in a tendon in my thumb, on which I had surgery last summer). and I'm coming to terms with my feelings of guilt over my mother in law's death.
So what the fuck is going on?
I think it's all a big tangle of many things, and it starts with food. My diabetes is fairly well controlled, but I have made the mistake of letting myself slip. A piece of cake here, a chocolate egg there ... and it's been affecting my stomach, because it invariably does. Sugary food and coffee are a combination which always, always sets off my gastritis if I am not careful. So this kicked off again. And then, I eat less, and when my stomach improves, I get hungry at random times, because I have messed up my schedule even more. And sometimes, when my gf is on call, our nights are interrupted by calls she has to answer. This happened last week, and since I had regular work to get to, meaning rehearsals during the day and shows at night, I got tired because my nights weren't restful enough. Silly me, I compensated by eating more carbs, sugar and caffeine, which is what I do when tired, even though I know what it can do to me.
And I guess it all combined into a messy, virtually sleepless night two nights ago, and although I made an effort to eat the right things yesterday, my body is still in exhaustion mode and stress mode and wouldn't really allow me to sleep last night, either. So today, I'm doing what I can to have balanced meals, keep the blood sugar levels low, which is hard when sleep deprived, as it stresses the body, and messes with my levels. I'll make sure to take enough herbal tea along to avoid drinking coffee, and I'll make sure to go for a nice walk either on my way to work or after work. I'm cooking tonight, so I'll make a nice side salad and extra veg, and I'll take a hot water bottle to bed because I cannot relax when I'm cold.
Right now, I'm cuddling one of our cats, and am warming my feet on a hot water bottle, because my feet get so cold when I'm tired like this. I'll do some chores today, but I'll try not to put pressure on myself. It'll be OK.
My physical therapist decided that we shouldn't really do a workout today, because that won't help when I'm this tired, so my knee got a massage instead.
And I don't have to deal with the crappy director and the crappy play today, and can concentrate on the much cooler play my boss is working on right now. I have the evening off, which is good, as I can make sure to get a good meal at dinnertime, so I won't be hungry in the middle of the night.
And hopefully, I'll get back on track now.
Then, it's time to finally focus on finishing my training: I have this big final essay to write, but cannot quite make myself sit down and work on it. It's procrastination and avoidance on the highest level, and I'll have to get past this point soon, or else I'll never finish.
Maybe once that's done, I can start looking ahead, and get past this empty, burned out feeling that's weighing me down.
And there are new things on the horizon, I'm sure.
Next month, I'm meeting a new orthopaedic doctor, for example. She's sort of famous (she has written several books on nutrition and joint disease), and I hope she'll have some new ideas. I'm looking forward to that appointment, but I'm also a bit scared. On the other hand, I have nothing left to lose. My knee is crap, getting another doctor to look at it won't make it any worse than it is. However, if there's the slightest bit of hope that things could improve, I'll cling to that.
